This was part of an assignment on another site, and I thought I would share it with you.

I have a strong reaction to "reassuring words of concern" that are uttered more to make the commissarator feel comfortable than anything else.  The phrase used when my mother died is a case in point.  People would tell me "at least she had a long life" as thought somehow my grief would be put aside as I readily would have to agree that that was indeed the case.  Unfortunately, to me 86 years, while being a long life, was not a balm for my sadness over losing my mother.

The same after Roy's demise...there the bromide was "well, he is in a better place" or "he is no longer in pain".  The latter was certainly true, and the first to be hoped for if you are a person of faith which I struggle to be.  However, neither response cured my pain, or even lessened it.  under the worst scenario,  I feel that those words denied the grieving process and belittled my pain. Putting the best spin on it I have to conclude that those words and oft used phrases were well intentioned, but nonetheless an example of meaningless words.

I am not saying that anybody wanted to belittle or to cut short my grief. Far from it. However, I believe that too often we all allow our own discomfort with grief and pain to intrude in what is someone else's grief and pain.  I try to remember that, so when I am faced with it, I am notorious for simply saying "I dont know what to say"...and shaking hands, or whatever affectional gesture is acceptable to that particular relationship and going on. At other times, I may simply look in their eyes, shake my head and say nothing. Hoping that somehow in my words or lack thereof, they are able to hear something other than "meaningless words" of comfort that are really attempts to make myself feel better with the situation.